dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
