just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We're too hungover to prance.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
