i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
