I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
