The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
