And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There's always time for handjobs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
