the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
