His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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