you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
