I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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