Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
