I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
