I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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