I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
