The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
