i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
