I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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