I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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