Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
