the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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