Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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