you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
