Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
