I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
