omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
