all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
