He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
