i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the condom got lost in my hair
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
