It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
