just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
