He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
