Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
