My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
