Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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