It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
