Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
