I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
