if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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