Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
