broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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