theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
