I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
