his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
