all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
