Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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