i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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