Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
