I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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