it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
