How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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