Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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