Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
