I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
