Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
false alarm. still invincible.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
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my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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