I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
please come you make the beer taste better
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
