I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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