if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
